40...truly mid life, even past it.
The most adult phase, I'd say. It's the point when you've got kids to care for, parents to keep an eye on, a team at work you're responsible for, a career that is on the verge of breaking you.
I've got friends my age who just quit work. I can't blame them. I did a 3 month sabbatical 2 years back and I think I haven't been the same since. After that break, it really registered on me that my presence at work is surely replaceable, my time with my kids at the stage they are cannot be enjoyed again. There is more to miss. So yes, its the time to feel weird - I'll probably never be paid as much as I am already today so it makes it more difficult to go. One of my kids is still on diapers so yes, would need to work. There is huge insecurity in everything - the way I look, the time I give to family, the value I give at work, and the relationships I keep.
The Way I look
Where do I begin? Is it my thunder thighs? My sagging skin and droopy everything - skin, eyes and boobs that not only point down but grow in different directions. I've always been conscious of the way I look anyways and if I look back at my pics 10 years ago I sometimes regret that I didn't bask in my youth back then :) I did enjoy wearing beautiful sleeveless dresses, high heels and spent quite some time taking care of myself. It was pretty much 10 years ago when I met hubby. To this day, I tell him that he has got a lot to do with me being ugly :)
I blame him for reintroducing me to rice - he is a voracious eater who does not blow up with a spoon of rice like me. He loves TV so I've been pretty much a couch potato the past 2 years especially as it was the only activity we had the energy for after the 2 boys knock off to sleep. We both used to be runners - in fact that was our shared interest when we started to hang out.
Today, I do have some remaining beauty routines that as a mom, I think I'm lucky I still have. Monthly pedicure, facial (if I get to schedule). Added to the routine is at least a quarterly hair cut and now because my muscles are mostly sore, a couple massage.
Shopping for clothes which used to be a daily hunt is now a one time big time exercise every 2 years.
I think it's got a lot to do with my lack of motivation because if I used to look for a size smaller than XS, I now feel quite good if I fit in an L. I've been sedentary, lethargic and quite sad. I look at the mirror and I cringe. I know I should take care of myself but I've not mustered such discipline. I keep saying tomorrow I will but I really don't. It's hard anyways. I keep hoping I'll get lucky and get back in the habit but its becoming less and less likely as years go by and the pounds build on.
Depressing thoughts I know. Help! Tomorrow I start. For sure.
The Time I Give To My Family
I guess I'm a pretty insecure person because every time I start something new, I develop a new insecurity. It was not different with motherhood. Again, husband to blame :) He's such a perfect dad. I'm proud of him. It is one of the reasons I keep falling in love with him again and again every day. At the same time, I see him and I see my own failings. I am not close to who he is and I'm THE MOM. I see my friends and I also know percentile wise, I'd be a little below average. I do try. I care a lot but I sometimes feel it is the way I am. I love my kids. I love my nephew. But I don't know. I kind of love from a distance. I am generous with kisses and hugs but I really can't sit too still and play. I did get better though. I now have my own way with my eldest. We have a bond that got deeper when I went on sabbatical. Those days I spent bringing him to school, fetching him, going to grocery to buy his snacks went on for those 3 months I was off work. Really precious and irreplaceable. How I wish I can do the same for Miguel. God please give me that.
Hubby and I tried to put a bit of system in place. Friday nights are date nights. Every other week for the two of us and every other week for each child. Good system, right? It worked for awhile but we went on a break and we have yet to restart. I think we'll get down to that pretty soon after the school holidays when the kids settle with their new nanny and also new school (for Miguel, and new schedule for Rafa).
Hubby and I are in a better state than when we started. I still feel I am most of the time a selfish prick but boy did I improve at this rate. Now I know that marriage is different from what one sees in the movie. There is a lot of teamwork involved. Love and Respect is a true term. No joke.
I've mentioned by nephew earlier because that is one area where I feel I am also lacking. Like what I said, I love from a distance. I don't need to talk with you every minute to feel or give love. But it is also true that one has to nurture it because it does not come automatically. I love my nephew but how can he love me if I am not always there. I need to work on this.
And now my sister and parents. I've always thought I've been a good daughter. Yey, finally something I feel I did at least ok. But...and yes there is a but. Life gets in the way. Distance from sg to ph, weekend classes, and basically lack of discipline and time has led me to call my parents less than what I would have liked. Need to fix that too. I did get to tell myself 2 years ago that I will travel every quarter to see them and for sometime, I did. So maybe yes, half a passing mark.
Not to forget my baby sister. I do love her but she is like me. We spew stress to anyone who gets near us. So yes, she is a source of stress and vice versa. But I love her. Must SHOW HER.
The Value I Give At Work
I was raised to go to school, finish and finish top marks. I did.
I went to work and used the training I got in school. I had not much guidance because there was no one to draw this from. I did get a lot of wisdom from past managers so that counts but the wisdom imparted was more on how to stretch myself.
And stretch I did. Ever think about blindly reaching for something because that's who you are and not because you're trying to reach something. Yup. Confusing but that is me.
So one after the other, I moved up the ranks. And now I am at the point where I don't know why I am where I am. I feel like a fraud. I don't know enough but I am put in charge. So what to do then?
I told my boss last week that I can't keep doing it anymore. But yes, now I setup a home office. Because I want to keep trying. I still don't know what to do. So what do I do? Just go on and see where it takes me.
I feel more confident despite the lack of final answer. Because I have something I never had before. Time for reflection. I think if I keep talking to myself the way I am doing now, I will get to the point I need to be on.So write on....
The Relationships I Keep
I guess this means friends because I just spoke about family.
I just lost a good friend 2 months back. By lost, I meant that I turned my back on her because she betrayed me. Was I harsh? I think she deserved it. But normally I'd be more forgiving. I decided not to be. This is new to me. I'm still figuring out what I can learn from this. i.e. whether it is better to let go of people who do you wrong or keep them regardless.
We'll see...
So yes, there is a lot to see. A lot to learn. To think about...
But isn't this what life is all about? Just writing this is really therapeutic. I conclude my thoughts as I write. My conclusion? Life is beautiful. It has always been. I've just been to busy to stop and appreciate it.
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