Writing again...

My last post was 3 years ago...that's also as long as I've felt out of touch with my true self


It's not that life has been devoid of happiness - there was a lot going on. Good stuff. I've got two beautiful and charming boys now, unique in their own ways. Work is a bit tough but I think it's also a symptom of greater void.


I have not been able to anchor myself. I haven't had moments of solitude like today...even with the hubby snoring beside me. I have not been talking to myself, I have not been writing.


So there. I feel good already.

Almost a month till I turn 40

40...truly mid life, even past it.


The most adult phase, I'd say. It's the point when you've got kids to care for, parents to keep an eye on, a team at work you're responsible for, a career that is on the verge of breaking you.
I've got friends my age who just quit work. I can't blame them. I did a 3 month sabbatical 2 years back and I think I haven't been the same since. After that break, it really registered on me that my presence at work is surely replaceable, my time with my kids at the stage they are cannot be enjoyed again. There is more to miss. So yes, its the time to feel weird - I'll probably never be paid as much as I am already today so it makes it more difficult to go. One of my kids is still on diapers so yes, would need to work. There is huge insecurity in everything - the way I look, the time I give to family, the value I give at work, and the relationships I keep.


The Way I look


Where do I begin? Is it my thunder thighs? My sagging skin and droopy everything - skin, eyes and boobs that not only point down but grow in different directions. I've always been conscious of the way I look anyways and if I look back at my pics 10 years ago I sometimes regret that I didn't bask in my youth back then :) I did enjoy wearing beautiful sleeveless dresses, high heels and spent quite some time taking care of myself. It was pretty much 10 years ago when I met hubby. To this day, I tell him that he has got a lot to do with me being ugly :)
I blame him for reintroducing me to rice - he is a voracious eater who does not blow up with a spoon of rice like me. He loves TV so I've been pretty much a couch potato the past 2 years especially as it was the only activity we had the energy for after the 2 boys knock off to sleep. We both used to be runners - in fact that was our shared interest when we started to hang out.


Today, I do have some remaining beauty routines that as a mom, I think I'm lucky I still have. Monthly pedicure, facial (if I get to schedule). Added to the routine is at least a quarterly hair cut and now because my muscles are mostly sore, a couple massage.
Shopping for clothes which used to be a daily hunt is now a one time big time exercise every 2 years.


I think it's got a lot to do with my lack of motivation because if I used to look for a size smaller than XS, I now feel quite good if I fit in an L. I've been sedentary, lethargic and quite sad. I look at the mirror and I cringe. I know I should take care of myself but I've not mustered such discipline. I keep saying tomorrow I will but I really don't.   It's hard anyways. I keep hoping I'll get lucky and get back in the habit but its becoming less and less likely as years go by and the pounds build on.


Depressing thoughts I know. Help! Tomorrow I start. For sure.


The Time I Give To My Family


I guess I'm a pretty insecure person because every time I start something new, I develop a new insecurity. It was not different with motherhood. Again, husband to blame :) He's such a perfect dad. I'm proud of him. It is one of the reasons I keep falling in love with him again and again every day. At the same time, I see him and I see my own failings. I am not close to who he is and I'm THE MOM. I see my friends and I also know percentile wise, I'd be a little below average. I do try. I care a lot but I sometimes feel it is the way I am. I love my kids. I love my nephew. But I don't know. I kind of love from a distance. I am generous with kisses and hugs but I really can't sit too still and play. I did get better though. I now have my own way with my eldest. We have a bond that got deeper when I went on sabbatical. Those days I spent bringing him to school, fetching him, going to grocery to buy his snacks went on for those 3 months I was off work. Really precious and irreplaceable. How I wish I can do the same for Miguel. God please give me that.
Hubby and I tried to put a bit of system in place. Friday nights are date nights. Every other week for the two of us and every other week for each child. Good system, right? It worked for awhile but we went on a break and we have yet to restart. I think we'll get down to that pretty soon after the school holidays when the kids settle with their new nanny and also new school (for Miguel, and new schedule for Rafa).
Hubby and I are in a better state than when we started. I still feel I am most of the time a selfish prick but boy did I improve at this rate. Now I know that marriage is different from what one sees in the movie. There is a lot of teamwork involved. Love and Respect is a true term. No joke.
I've mentioned by nephew earlier because that is one area where I feel I am also lacking. Like what I said, I love from a distance. I don't need to talk with you every minute to feel or give love. But it is also true that one has to nurture it because it does not come automatically. I love my nephew but how can he love me if I am not always there. I need to work on this.
And now my sister and parents. I've always thought I've been a good daughter. Yey, finally something I feel I did at least ok. But...and yes there is a but. Life gets in the way. Distance from sg to ph, weekend classes, and basically lack of discipline and time has led me to call my parents less than what I would have liked. Need to fix that too. I did get to tell myself 2 years ago that I will travel every quarter to see them and for sometime, I did. So maybe yes, half a passing mark.
Not to forget my baby sister. I do love her but she is like me. We spew stress to anyone who gets near us. So yes, she is a source of stress and vice versa. But I love her. Must SHOW HER.


The Value I Give At Work


I was raised to go to school, finish and finish top marks. I did.
I went to work and used the training I got in school. I had not much guidance because there was no one to draw this from. I did get a lot of wisdom from past managers so that counts but the wisdom imparted was more on how to stretch myself.
And stretch I did. Ever think about blindly reaching for something because that's who you are and not because you're trying to reach something. Yup. Confusing but that is me.
So one after the other, I moved up the ranks. And now I am at the point where I don't know why I am where I am. I feel like a fraud. I don't know enough but I am put in charge. So what to do then?
I told my boss last week that I can't keep doing it anymore. But yes, now I setup a home office. Because I want to keep trying. I still don't know what to do. So what do I do? Just go on and see where it takes me.
I feel more confident despite the lack of final answer. Because I have something I never had before. Time for reflection. I think if I keep talking to myself the way I am doing now, I will get to the point I need to be on.So write on....


The Relationships I Keep


I guess this means friends because I just spoke about family.
I just lost a good friend 2 months back. By lost, I meant that I turned my back on her because she betrayed me. Was I harsh? I think she deserved it. But normally I'd be more forgiving. I decided not to be. This is new to me. I'm still figuring out what I can learn from this. i.e. whether it is better to let go of people who do you wrong or keep them regardless.
We'll see...


So yes, there is a lot to see. A lot to learn. To think about...
But isn't this what life is all about? Just writing this is really therapeutic. I conclude my thoughts as I write. My conclusion? Life is beautiful. It has always been. I've just been to busy to stop and appreciate it.

2016

New year starts and I am going to claim this one! This year opens with much anticipation of the fulfillment of a dream that I did not realize I have been holding on to until the possibility became a reality.

It will not be an easy journey but now that I'm on the brink of it, I feel energized to be able to ride thru it with a smile.

New Year - not a new me, but an excited and hopefully more present me. 

Day 16 - heavy

Heavier than ever - that's where I am now. I have no free time now to go to the gym. Lunch is a nightmare as the lines are long.

Need to recover fast so some plans:

- Gym at Tampi after Rafa sleeps or go to the gym near my new office

- Bring in food (salmon all the way) or order online

I've been avoiding the scale to avoid further disappointment.

Bfast - New fave chix pie and green tea

Lunch - Asian Kitchen mala roast plus veggies and mango sago

For dinner? I am not so hungry now but I think it will be chix afritada.

Day 15 - Of new routines

....9am.....

New office - a new and healthier lifestyle. Hopefully!

...1230pm....

This is how long line is for something as blah as Subway. Ok, I better start packing food instead or going to the gym! Good move!

Dinner would have been ok if I had not binged on my pork giniling and slept immediately right after.

Day - 13, 14

I just read a post about this girl who lost half of her weight in 9 months. She had surgery but has been eating and exercising right.

It was good to read especially at this time when I need the motivation to keep going at it.

My aim is to be back to my pre-baby weight before Christmas.

I brought Rafa to KFC for lunch yesterday and I over ate as I ended up eating my order plus his leftovers.

On Saturday, I had sausages and eggs for lunch then tons of jap food for dinner. What broke me was the wagyu salpicao/wine I prepped for movie bites after.

For Sunday dinner, I cooked yummy adobo and had my first rice breach.

The big batch of puto I cooked was tempting but good that I ate less than my share.

Day 12 - 145.2

Eeeek it's nearly the end of the week and have not lost any of my 1 lb target.

I went to the gym once and I think over ate on my econo food without rice at the foodcourts the entire week.

I am thinking of doing a little fast the next few days to make it up. Hmmm...kinda hard just thinking about it since it is a friday and the weekends soon!

Friday was a blur as I was a blur and too eager for weekend. Rommel bought a lot of goodies for dinner which was not bad for my diet but still, I overate. I gotta fix that overeating urge!!!

Day 10 - 11 - Sleep

We've been sleeping late lately and it has made me bonkers. I realized quite clearly that when I lack sleep, I am disoriented, I tend to cope with food hoping it would turn me around but it actually does the opposite.

No gym as well as I just didn't have the energy being drowsy and all. I also ate out at my fave resto Tonkichi but hardly enjoyed it as I had no rice with it.

Today, I also have a lunch appointment. I feel drowsier than ever.

Hoping I get to fare better than yesterday.

---

Lunch was good! Grilled thai chicken with lettuce - got another staple to eat when I'm in ORL. For dinner, mom and I met in CCP with Rafa and I ate 'carb'-onara. Ugh! Can't be avoided since we went to a Jap pasta resto. Neither one of us enjoyed it but Rafa did enjoy his kiddie spaghetti meal with Ripe apple juice.

Day 9 - 145.2

1) No rice, had bread though

2) had iced tea - alongside my typical soup spoon meal

3) went to the gym! Yey as I was not able to go yesterday. Burned just 150 cal but not bad.

4) we've been sleeping early daily

5) as soon as I come in, I drink water

I've been monitoring my steps recently. I average 2,500 which is within range of sedentary. I probably should exercise more or walk at night to counter this.

Dinner has been heavy recently despite my no rice intake approach. Mom said she cooked yummy munggo so in order to avoid overeating, I ate apple just before going off work. I don't feel so hungry anymore!!!

I hit 145.2 so not such a great thing. Hoping to keep to my 1.5 lb weight loss a week target so I think I need to start really eating less.

Day 8 - 145

Yesterday, mom and I went out to watch Piolo and Sarah's "The Breakup Playlist".

Since it was a Sunday and I felt quite guilty leaving my two boys after we had lunch and Rafa attended his school, we took out 18pcs of our favorite 4fingers plus shrimp and calamari! I ate more than my share and afterwards cleansed my palate with warm water plus some local cakes from Bengawan.

Since I had quite a food trip weekend, I am hoping I can get back on track this work week by refraining from overeating and possibly increasing my daily steps. I probably should also invite hubby for a run as we didn't get to exercise over the weekend - a rule broken.

Have a great start to the week!

Lunch was a paltry set of watercress pork ribs. It was blah that I ordered another plate of chicken cutlet, eggplant and tofu/bean econo meal without lunch. That other round was so spicy that I bought myself some green tea thereafter.

Lesson learned: ensure I have a good meal to avoid repeat orders =p

Day 3 146.6

There - it's out. 146.6 and I thought it was really bad when I hit 128 around 8 years ago after I came back from a bountiful vacation in the U.S.

On the one hand, I am relieved. I have avoided the scale for months now thinking I've hit 150. I was 144 a day after coming out of the hospital which means I've gained instead of lost weight a day after giving birth. I breastfed for 6 months so it must be that what works for other women, does not work for me.

I guess I really have to stay in greater tune with my body instead of relying on tips and tricks of anyone claiming that what they did allowed them to lose weight.

Today, I discovered new things. 

My iphone has a health app that can link the steps I took into myfitness pal. How cool is that? I also discovered thru fitness pal that my favorite sour dough bread which I loved to eat together with my soup is costing me 100+ calories! That's jequivalent to 20 mins of hard work at the gym.

So how did I do today?

No breakfast

Went to the gym and burned 150 cal as I stayed only for awhile

Had my die hard soup with my nasty bread and iced tea

Dinner awaits as I am just making my way home -> via cab so not good per walking goes

3 days! Woot! Woot! I realize now that writing about it makes me conscious with what I do so that's kind of the point why I write this up.

Ciao!

Dinner update: Still no rice but I think I ate more than my share of sitaw/kalabasa and fried fish! 

Day 2 - Happy 16th Month Birthday Rafa Boy

It's just day 2 and I'm starting to waver.
I had breakfast (yogurt with wild berries) and over lunch double boiled soup (good) plus fried wanton (bad). I did remove the wrapping on the side though.
My fitnesspal tells me that I have 800 calories left. 

Yes, I started to update it too. I hope that I can keeping doing all this in the midst of everything. Finding time to update my status while travelling seems to be working though.

I think this is what I need to fix. I can't be eating soup all the time else I'd go back to eating rice.
I have an Atkins Book at home which is my next project. I think I got to have at least a prescribed list of consistent food to eat at least for a week then I can just eat the same way week on week if I am serious about this.
Note to self: Invest time for planning. I am a project manager. Not planning is planning to fail.

It's Rafa's birthday today and this blueberry cheese cake is begging me to eat him. Tempting but noooo.

Dinner coming soon. Let's see how I fare.

Day 1 - 5 out of 8

I've always been a big supporter of Soup Spoon but I think I'm gonna be a bigger one because of this journey if I don't find any other good alternatives for my food.

How did I fare on my 8 rules today?
1) partial as I had dinner at 830 but with no rice - chicken tinola
2) No rice but I had a bit of bread with my soup
3) mostly water except for iced tea at lunch
4) Gym for 30 mins. Yey!
5)  n/a as weekday
6) Walked home - yey!
7) no breakfast - yey!
8) slept early. Yey!

Only thing is I got a small headache that promises to be a big one.
Not sure if it was because of the aircon last night or just rules 1-8. Oh well, big girls don't cry!

I'm Bringing Sexy Back

Life's been good to me since I got married. I couldn't ask for more - I got a good husband, healthy and happy son, good work, a happy home, and friends and family all around. But ask me now if I'm truly happy, I'd rather say I'm blessed. Blessed because I know that what I've got is overflowing. I can't say I've truly got a smiling and jolly heart because my heart feels heavy. It's heavy literally because somewhere between getting pregnant and gaining almost half of my weight, I've lost my balance.

I try to avoid mirrors and looking at my pictures because whenever I glance back into the image, a stranger is looking back. I can hardly recognize myself anymore. I have no urge to dress up, no energy to stand up straight and have a serious loss of confidence.

I want to get my confidence and my energy back because I need it. I need it to bring back that smile I recognize and that swagger that was part of me. I need to get that balaance.

I'm not gonna do a post mortem as to what got me here and I've ran out of cover and excuses because it's been nearly 1 and 1/2 years since I gave birth. I have been deferring from doing my annual check up because I am afraid of what I will discover.

My view of my situation is a bit grim but it's still salvageable, I hope.

I still have half of my lifetime ahead of me. I want to get that sexy back.

Sexy Back Game Plan

1) No after 6 pm dinners for now that involved carbs- to keep my energy at night, eat fruits before going home

2) No rice, pasta, fries - enough said as carbs and my body don't really like each other

3) No liquid calories - as a concession, I'd keep my green tea drink but drink in moderation

4) 2x a week gym minimum during office lunch - Monday, Wednesday

5) 1 weekend sport activity - bike or run

6 ) No breakfast - just water; I know this is against all known rules but I really can't find any healthy bfast food I can eat without stuffing myself too early in the day
7) Walk or climb whenever I can
8) Sleep early so I don't end up binge eating to make up for lack of sleep or energy

That's it. 8 things to track - one week at a time, one day at a time. Let's see if I can make a little dent.

23 weeks left till Christmas. If I lose a lb a week, I can bring a little bit of sexy back before the year ends. Let's do this.

Peppa Joy

2015 - Please be careful with my heart...

A look back to 2013 and 2014

- Change job and take a really stressful and challenging one? Check!

- Prepare for a wedding? Check.
- Be married and stay married? Check!
- Pregnant? CHECK!!!
- Give Birth? Check.
- Breastfeed exclusively for 6 months while working? Check.
- Take care of a newborn? Check.
- Buy a house? Check.
- Renovate a house? Check.

I have changed job just before getting married. My sister and some of my friends tried to stop me from taking it because they probably understood what was ahead of me after I get married but back then, I just couldn't pass it up. In hindsight, I can't deny that my now not so new job nearly sent me over the edge as it was probably 10x more stressful and more challenging than my previous one but I also know that if I didn't take it, I would probably have moved on to something else anyways. So who knows? No regrets, they say.

Beyond changing my job, the rest came barrelling in as a package. Married, pregnant, new house. Stressful, yes. Maddening, oh yeah. Will I choose otherwise? Hell, no. 

Despite the obvious difficulties that came with all the changes, I battled on because it was for something precious, the gift of family. The gift that is my husband. The gift that is my child. 

They say that people get married because "kelangan mo ng katuwang sa buhay". Well, totoo nga. I couldn't have chosen a better man to stand beside me thru all this. My husband kept me sane, propped me up, made me smile, and led our little family on as we started a life together. Rafa was at the centre of it all. His smiling presence in our life bonded us even more. He gave us purpose, something to look forward to. 

At the end of a full day of work, both Rommel and I rush home, not mindful of the work we left behind because we have a home to go home to. A bundle of joy awaits our embrace. Family time is precious. Every minute inspires us to move forward, to dream further. This time, there are no grand dreams of glory but pursuits of happiness, in whatever form it takes as long as it is with family.

Our family is so blessed. My husband reminds me of this every time I begin to sweat on the small stuff. We have gone thru a journey in the past 2 years that we probably won't go thru again (save maybe for another baby - yes, but maybe not so soon until I'm fit again to have one and when God decides to bless us again).  

2015

What do I feel right now?

If I am honest, I'd say I am very relieved the major ones have now been ticked off. I am very grateful for all that we went thru but I am but human and 35 at that. All the stress has taken a bit of a toll on my body, on my being. 

For 2015, all I want is to relish, to enjoy all that we have right now. I want to go on a lot of dates with my husband and get to know him more. I can't seem to tire of his presence, really =) I am not exaggerating here as I probably won't believe anyone who says this but I continue to be in awe of my husband . I like him more now than when we were dating, than when we were boyfriend-girlfriend, than when we were engaged. Living with him everyday is an affirmation that I have been given the gift of a wonderful husband. What a blessing! A blessing I never want to take for granted.

For Rafa, I want 2015 to be the year where I can be the mother I can be. No, I don't intend to be one of those super moms who can do everything perfectly. All I want is to love my son to the fullest. I have long accepted the fact that as a working mom with a super stressful job, I can't spend a lot of time with him. But my intent is that if all I have is a minute, I will make sure it counts. I will have attention only for him because I want to touch his heart as he has touched mine. 

And lastly, I have so much to live for. Beyond my little family, I've got my ageing parents, my sister, my nephew, brother in law and all my friends from all over. I wish to be given enough time to touch their hearts (more gently and more meaningfully this time sans my temper). And I know I can only live longer with everyone if I take care of my own health. This year, I have much to accomplish health wise. My dramatic weight gain (hubby included, hehe) and the stress all around me has gone to my heart - I have elevated blood pressure which I wish to get rid of. It's not just the food, not just the exercise which I intend to change. I think it's more important for me to manage stress better as I know that when I'm stressed, I don't eat well and don't exercise.

Writing in this blog is my first step towards this mission. I need a clear mind, a gentle heart to get me thru this mission this 2015. So please 2015, please be careful with my heart =)

My Bucket List

UPDATE IN 2017




UPDATE IN 2016
Almost two years ago, 2 days before giving birth to Rafa, I wrote down my first bucket list.
I figured back then that it was the right time to commit them beyond memory as when epidural and motherhood hits, I was not sure if I'd even remember or dare to have one.

As it's a Chinese New Year today, I thought it would be good to look back and see where I am with my list. The past 2 years, as anticipated, has been a time of learning, adjustment and really 'settling down'. Grand adventures are now few and far between but what filled them were moments that I need not travel wide to experience or find - most I found in the loving arms of my husband and my son.

2014-2016 Bucket Hit List
1) Bake a cake for someone 
- With not much time to go out, I have learned to have my little adventures in the kitchen and finally got to dabble a little bit in baking. I've now learned how to bake various kinds of bread, cookies and anything actually that has a recipe available. It also proved useful as I even learned to bake my own lactation cookies as the ones out there were ridiculously expensive. My little one is also a picky eater so baking comes in handy.
- The first cake I ever baked was for my hubby during his first father's day. I baked blueberry cheesecake and it was surprisingly good!

2) Take a picture of my son every day week for 1 year
- This one I can't take primary credit for as it was the hubby who really made this happen. Looking back, I think this little weekend activity made a huge difference on how we relished my son's first year and how we enjoyed our time as a young family. A big plus is that now my son would have tons of photos to look at when he grows older. I've also created a video out of it.

3) Purchase our first family home and decorate it uniquely
- A fully functional, practical, warm and unique home has always been a dream. During my maternity leave, we started scouting for a home we can nest in. I had two must haves: a balcony and a bathtub. The only places who had these were the very expensive condos which both me and my husband didn't find practical given the sky high property prices in Singapore. We started our search and came across a development that just opened to the public on the very month we started looking. We immediately fell in love with the area - walking distance to public transport, near the malls but with a quiet neighbourhood and an up and coming town hub that will have an indoor/outdoor swimming pool, library, sports facilities, etc just literally near our doorstep. Best of all - the budget allowed us to renovate the place to our liking. We hacked the walls with an open floor concept and celebrate this decision especially when we see our son running around to his heart's content.

4) Grow a herb indoor and an outdoor garden
- We discovered a huge plant shop near our home and bought edible plants we can find - mint, parsley, rosemary, curry, lime, chili, etc. Not all survived but most live on with the care of my helper who enjoys taking care of them. I've used most of them at least once but the lime and chili are probably the ones that proved most useful.

5) Help someone complete their studies
- 6 years ago, I took my aunts, nephews, nieces, cousins out for a post Christmas dinner and movies. While lining up for our movie tickets, I asked my aunt where her eldest son who was both my cousin and first godchild was going to college. She was unsure so I made a decision right then - let me send him to school. Pick a school and let's make sure he finishes so he can later on send his little sister to school as well. I learned a lot along the way - sending someone to school was a huge responsibility and not just financially. I had to keep my resolve in the midst of changing courses, failing subjects and trimester tuition fees that just kept coming.
I was not sure the day would  happen but it did. One day, my cousin made me so proud and finally said he was graduating. Now, he has a job and has become such a responsible young man. This and my aunt's happiness just made it all worth it.

6) Ride the bike with my family
- A few months after marriage, my husband taught me , a 35 year old, how to bike. But alas, we discovered I was pregnant right after our  first long bike ride so the bike was parked for awhile. I got back at the saddle only when my son was fit enough to ride a bike with his Papa. Remember those movies where you see a happy family bike along with nursery rhymes playing as they sped along? Well it was like that and more.

7) See Sarah Geronimo in a concert
- I'm a big Sarah fan as I find her to be such a nice and unassuming girl. I bought tickets to her concert in my first year in SG but it got cancelled - perhaps I was the only one who bought a ticket. Haha. When I heard she was going to be in SG again, I grabbed the chance to see her. It was during the time I was breastfeeding my son so it became tricky. It was the first time I got out of the house without him. Was it worth it? Not sure. It was also in my dreams to get my mom to see her as she's an even bigger fan. Just a few months back, I got her and Lala tickets. Was it worth it? She was not sure as well. But then again, at least we know! Haha.

8) Breastfeed my babies for at least a year six months
- One never knows how difficult something is until they do it. What kept me going were all those commercials in tv that got ingrained in me as I was growing up- "Breastmilk is best for babies up to 6 months". I must say that exclusive breastfeeding may have been one of the toughest mental, emotional, and physical battles I had so far but it was certainly the most fulfilling especially when I see my son growing up quite healthy.
I penned my thoughts on breastfeeding in this blog I created specifically for my son: http://ourletterstorafael.blogspot.sg/2014/06/our-first-trek-breastfeeding-series.html

9) Donate my kid's old stuff to charity regularly and get the family to participate in charity activities
- On Rafael's first birthday, we shipped a jumbo box of his old and loved stuff to an orphanage in Tagaytay. We never got word on whether they received it but somewhere out there, I hope little babies are enjoying them.

10) Sell something in eBay  carousel
-  My first ever sale was an entire couch which had no space for our new home and was picked up the same day I sold it. We continue to spring clean every now and then and sell our stuff online. Of course, there's some buying involved too!

There's still tons in my bucket list left but no rush. I just know time will come for each one of them - including "sporting rock hard abs". I'm looking forward.

Mama Joy







______________________________________________________________________


WRITTEN IN 2014

In a few months, I'm going to be 35. If I'm lucky enough and live till the age of 70, this would mean that I've already reached the mid point in my life taking into account that from 60 onwards, I'd probably be less energetic and limited with the things I can do. In a few weeks time I'll probably (scratch that: most certainly) be caught up in the happy frenzy of motherhood and in the process be in danger of neglecting to pursue my own dreams and aspirations and in the process become less of the woman I want to be. I continue to believe that to be a good mom and wife to Rafael and my husband, I need to continue to live my own life so I'll have more to share, more love to give.

I've never really written down a bucket list and thought that now is a good time to do so.

What I'd like to do:

1. Complete a full marathon (42km) - register for a night run to avoid the heat and just because I run better at night
2. Establish a successful, little, unique, hands on business matching my interest
3. Climb Mt. Fuji, witness the cherry blossoms in Japan See  Mt Fuji with mom, sis and bro in law - ticked in 2017
4. Write for a publication
5. Bake a cake for someone ticked in 2016
6. Bungee jumping
7. Attend a masquerade or halloween party and wear a great costume
8. Learn to paint
9. Sport rockhard abs
10. Camp in the wilderness with my family and setup a bonfire for hotdogs and mallows done in 2017
11. Sing in a bar/lounge even just once
12. Display my toilet collection
13. Overcome fear of moving animals like dogs, cat
14. Cook a particular country's cuisine every month for a year
15. Ride a red convertible and wear a red bikini 
16. Swim in an outdoor, natural hot spring
17. Take a picture of my son every day for 1 yearticked in 2016
18. Be part of a flash mob
19. Go on a road trip in the US using an RV
20. Go on a cruise
21. Learn how to drive
22. Stay in cave hotel or an igloo
23. Go to a drive in movie 
24. Play the guitar, piano
25. Try pole dancing even at least once
26. Learn to french braid
27. Create a phone app based on a need i identified
28. Grow a herb indoor and an outdoor gardenticked in 2016
29. Sew a quilt that I can hand over to my kids
30. Purchase our first family home and decorate it uniquely ticked in 2016
31. Help someone complete their studiesticked in 2016
32. Own a retirement home/bed and breakfast
33. Spend a holiday in a log cabin somewhere cold ticked in end 2016 Tagaytay
34. Be a leader for a small group in government and make a difference that would be emulated by others
35. Participate in an activity that will be registered in the Guiness book of world records
36. Ride the bike with my family ticked in 2016
37. Be passionate about a cause
38. Create our family tree
39. Learn to whistle
40. Write my last will and testament
41. See the northern lights (Aurora Borealis)
42. Play a full round of golf, tennis
43. Milk a cow
44. Finish a 1,000 piece puzzle of a picture I like and have it framed
45. Learn to count 1-10 in 10 languages
46. Scuba dive
47. Party at a Mardi Gras
48. Celebrate New Year party in a hotel till the morning
49. Give a waiter a ridiculous amount of tip after a good service
50. Build a time capsule
51. Learn CPR
52. Take a helicopter tour
53. See the German concentration camp
54. Stay in Cambodia ticked in 2019, with hubby
55. Fly in a hot air balloon
56. Create a source of passive income
57. Weigh 107 lbs and maintain it
58. See Niagara Falls
59. Donate back in Assisi - the foundation who gave me my scholarship
60. Attend our high school reunion
61. Learn how to do a cart wheel
62. Philippine tour - see Batanes, Benguet/Sagada, Mayon Volcano, Palawan, Bohol, Davao
63. Organize meaningful, activity based children's party for my kids
64. See Sarah Geronimo in a concert (har! har!)ticked in 2016
65. Join a tv show contest like Amazing Race, Apprentice, etc
66. Complete an ironman triathlon
67. Be a lector in church
68. Type in a keyboard properly
69. Attend the lollapalooza
70. Attend the white dining party
71. Create a documentary about a topic I am passionate about
72. Grow my own fruit, vegetable
73. Save for retirement
74. See a chicken or a turtle hatch in front of my eyes - ticked in 2017, science center museum
75. Make a snowman
76. Ride/surf in the dessert of Dubai
77. Attend a rodeo
78. Organize a flea market
79. Organize, declutter my parent's home ticked in 2018, renovated house and cleaned, decluttered house
80. Have a silky white armpit
81. Become an organ donor
82. Volunteer to help read the newspaper for old folks
83. Teach others about a topic I am passionate in
84. Take a 3 month sabbatical ticked in 2017
85. Have grandchildren
86. Attend my children's parent-child school activities ticked in 2017, Rafa's school
87. Retire latest by 50
88. Breastfeed my babies for at least a yearticked in 2016
89. Celebrate our yearly anniversary in a traditional manner ticked since start
90. Get rid of my stretch marks
91. Open a savings account for my children that they will maintain as they grow up
92. Donate my kid's old stuff to charity regularly and get the entire family to participate in charity activitiesticked in 2016
93. Develop a recycling system at home for paper, bottles
94. Sell something in eBayticked in 2016
95. Really learn the art of meditation
96. Be a student of Harvard in one way or the other
97. Setup own photo studio to support my husband's love of photography
98. Sky dive
99. Go on an african safari adventure with my kids
100. Try pottery

What I've scratched off so far:

1. Step into the Coloseum, Vatican, Sistine Chapel; throw a coin in the Trevi foundation in Rome
2. Visit Tuscany (Siena, Florence) and do wine tasting
3. Ride boat in Venice, see St Mark's Square, watch a Vivaldi performance, see the island of of Murano, Burano
4. Kiss someone atop the Eiffell Tower in Paris at 12 midnight; see the real Mona Lisa in Louvre
5. Witness the works of Gaudi (Sagrada Familia)
6. Eat in a market in Barcelona (La Boqueria)
7. Step into Parthenon (in Athens), Olympia in Greece
8. Watch the sunset from Santorini; sunrise in Yogyakarta Borobodur
9. Live in one of the cycladic houses in Mykonos
10. Go to a nude beach and see naked bodies
11. Visit the Taj Mahal
12. Visit the Statue of Liberty
13. Walk on the Great Wall Of China, Tiananmen Square, Forbidden City
14. Travel from Beijing-Shanghai; Paris-Barcelona in a high speed train
15. Boat along the Yangtze River in Shanghai
16. See the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco
17. Experience Las Vegas
18. Celebrate St Patrick's Day (in Chicago)
19. Visit Disney Land - in Florida, HK
20. Snow ski in Korea
21. Swim in a volcano's crater - Pinatubo
22. Learn Tai Chi before sunrise in a floating boat in Halong Bay, Vietnam
23. Eat authentic pho in Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam
24. Shop in the street markets of Bangkok
25. Attend a cirque de soleil show
26. Attend a blueman group show - and even became one of the ushers
27. Skywalk - in Oz Tower in Sydney
28. See Sydney's Opera House, Blue Mountains, Bondi Beach in Gold Coast
29. Embrace a Koala bear
30. Witness the wonder of the Grand Canyon
31. Experience skydiving - pseudo in Genting Highlands Malaysia
32. Climb a mountain - Kota Kinabalu
33. Plant a tree - mangrove, ride a seaway in Langkawi
34. Go on a dinner/sunset/bbq cruise - in Langkawi, in Singapore
35. Experience Phuket; go kayaking
36. Help a random stranger - bought corns from a couple and left them with 500
37. Be pregnant
38. Fall in love and be married to the man I love
39. Attend an Octoberfest - in Swiss Club
40. Live in a foreign country for a year - in Minneapolis, Chicago
41. Be a movie extra -in a Korean movie in Boracay (never saw it though)
42. Complete a post graduate studies - Global Finance in Chinese Univ of HK
43. Participate in a protest - Edsa II
44. Fly business class - first class hopefully next time
45. Buy a house while single
46. Buy a farm while single
47. Fly a kite
48. Connect with the teacher who made an impact in my life
49. Pay for a stranger's meal - secretly gave a couple celebrating their anniversary a cake
50. Build a habitat for humanity home - in Batam Indonesia (2x)
51. Donate blood - around 10x
52. Go down a zip line - in Bedok Reservoir
53. Go rappelling - in Bukit Timah
54. Take a makeup lesson
55. Mentor someone's career
56. Organize a family photoshoot - during our  prenup
57. Play in the snow
58. Full blown pillow fight 
59. Send, write christmas cards to those I love and who are far away
60. Watch classic broadway shows 
61. Become a guest speaker in a class' graduation
62. Complete simbang gabi
63. Completed 145 km in total runs for a year
64. Bring my family to Singapore, HK, US
65. Build my parent's home
66. Buy a car for my parents
67. Make out with a stranger in a bar (how scandalous! hehe)
68. Write in a blog
69. Write letters for my kids and give it to them when they grow up
70. Gamble at a casino - in Genting Highlands
71. Attend an F1 race (3x already)
72. Watch an NBA game (for free in Minneapolis)
73. Take yoga, pilates, zumba classes
74. Take language classes - Mandarin
75. Take guitar classes
76. Take ballroom dancing classes - with myself as the youngest person
77. Get completely drunk and not remember anything the following day
78. Play paintball 
79. Organize surprise parties for friends to make them feel special
80. Watch a concert
81. Really jog on a beach wearing just a sports bra/shorts
82. Witness controversial trippers (ok fine, even live sex in Phuket -> this was by accident)
83. Do a boudoir shoot 
84. Celebrate my parent's birthday in a super special way - 58th/60th of Mom; 70th of Dad
85. Indulge regularly in facial, pedicure/manicure, haircut, bikini wax
86. Spend every birthday surrounded by family, friends I love
87. Complete my PMP certification, ITIL certification
88. Join a dragon boat team
89. Be a groupie and wait for a celebrity to come out after a show and have our picture taken - with Leah in HK
90. Be a cupid to friends - successfully matched 3 friends so far
91. Complete a daily blessing series
92. Eat at a Michellin restaurant - in Venice, SG
93. Write a newsletter for significant milestones in our lives (did one already for our wedding)
94. Travel completely on my own - Switzerland, India 
95. Go on a travel getaway with my sister - HK, Malacca, Chicago, Indonesia, Bangkok
96. Witness a shooting star in a very romantic way
97. Leave an inspirational note on a book and give it to someone who will hopefully hand it over to someone, and then another, etc
98. Send a postcard to my bf/husband whenever I travel on my own
99. Watch a movie, play, ballet under the stars
100. Give my first salary to my lola

 

Preparing to be Reborn

It's been awhile since I've last wrote on this blog. I've really gotten out of the habit of putting my thoughts into words when my original blog in friendster which I maintained for 7 long years was just deleted and replaced with a gaming website. Ugh! Talk about lost memories. After that, I've shifted to writing in my whitepicketfences blogspot then this blog which I never quite maintained well (facebook also made me lazy and got me to just posting status updates and the like).

Now, a few years after, I write with a different state of mind. Golly! I don't even need to think of a topic to write about because LIFE is just really on a roll right now.

Before I begin and update you regularly on my journey, let me just take you back to the past years and then we can move forward.

Milestones:
1) July 2012 - Got engaged
2) January 2013 - Shifted out of IT into the business side
3) April 2013 - Got married; went off to Europe for our honeymoon
4) July 2013 - Got pregnant

Ok, where are we right now? Ahhh...I am still pregnant but that is to change soon. This change is the reason why I thought this entry should have this title: Reborn.

I know for a fact that life, as I know it, will change. It has already changed so much in the past year but judging by the books I've read, stories my friends have told me, and my own assessment of things, I know that Joy Mendenilla, now Joy Marquez will further evolve as a Mom, as Rafael's mom.

I wish to be ready. I wish to capture these precious moments. I wish to be able to speak to myself and organise my thoughts to give myself the chance to have fun and not take any of this experience for granted. I wish to live consciously with a present state of mind, always thinking, always contemplating and not being led by the tide.

Join me in this journey and let's have some fun!!!

P.S. I have also started another blog but this one is dedicated to Rafael. It will contain letters/writings very specific to Rafael as I wish to continue to make a distinction between his journey and mine.

Day 2 : A Bit Better

1) Meal
- subway but with iced tea and 3/4 cookie =P
- 1 chips and green tea...no dinner =(
2) Sleep
- Still awake at 2am
3) No Exercise as workinggggggg

Conclusion: Got to regain work-life balance or else my butt wont fit into my chair soon...

Original Weight: 121
Current Weight: 118.8
Lbs Lost: 2.2
Lbs Left: 15.2

Day 1 Fitness Challenge: Utter Fail!

Ok, this is not great. I was supposed to go to the gym but my officemates and I had a late dinner with beer tonight. If not for my diet, it would have been good =)

So to summarize:
1) Meal
- Had mashed potatoes; 1 pint Erdinger
2) No exercise
3) Awake at 2:21 am

Tomorrow better be great...weighed this morning though and i was at 119.2...wonder how tomorrow would be. Wish me luck (and that i'd get to sleep too...)

Original Weight: 121
Current Weight: 119.2
Lbs Lost: 1.8
Lbs Left: 15.2

My 43 Day Fitness Challenge

It's a 43 day race to the finish.

I've been unsuccessful at reaching my ideal weight for the past year. Needless to say, I had several half hearted attempts to make things happen. I wish to overcome this by giving myself time bound specific targets to get me to my ideal weight: 107 lbs in time for my 33rd birthday on July 17.

Current Weight: 121 lbs
Target Weight: 107 lbs
Weight to Lose: 14 lbs

# of Days: 43

# of Lbs to Lose Per Week: 3 (max approx) = 17 lbs
# of Lbs to Lose Per Week: 2 (min approx) = 13 lbs

Meals
Exclusions: rice, pasta, fries, soda, juice
Preferred: vegetables, steamed fish/meat, water (8x)
No meals after 7pm; only water

4x a week exercise
Monday - Simei Runs (5km)
Tuesday- Gym (1 hr cardio, 1 hr weights)
Wednesday - Gym (1 hr cardio, 1 hr weights)
- Thursday - Chores and Conf Call
Saturday - Badminton, hiking, etc
-Sunday - HK Diploma Studies

Sleep
11 pm - sleep
8 am - rise

Shuttle
845 AM - Changi
615 PM - Bugis (Tuesday, Wednesday)
7 PM - Simei (Monday)

Let's see. Tracking starts tomorrow....

My First Home

I first laid eyes on a DMCI condo project through my friend, Kristine. The DMCI condos appealed to me as they were not too expensive, not too congested (mid-rise), and filled with trees (resort like).

Years after, I was strolling in SM MegaMall and then chanced upon the Cedar Crest project (http://cedarcrestdmci.com/). It was even better than what I had imagined...everything about it matched my taste: the colors, the atmosphere. I proceeded with the purchase Jan 2009. 

It was finally handed over to me December 2011, 6 months earlier than the target handover date of May 2012. I enlisted the assistance of an interior decorator, Design District Manila and got them to help me furnish the place. 

Below are some of the pictures last January. The finishing works continue till today. I'll be going home this coming May to put up the final touches then voila, home sweet home =)

After Pictures

Shipped a 40 inch Smart TV but the TV is stuck in customs as the shipper had legal problems. Oh well!

Ottoman doubles as a cabinet to store magazines, newspapers, etc so it's clutter free. All furnishings were custom made from cutouts I found in the magazines.

'

I like the concept of mixed chairs - bench, bench with back, and 2 single chairs

Mirror shelving - my designer's idea

I wanted a sofa bed for the small bedroom. I had it designed with a pullout to accommodate guests should they stay over =)

My favorite! My balcony!!!! I like the greens so I made sure the balcony had lots of it. The balcony is nearly the size of the kitchen and living room - exactly the way I want it =)

Fatigue

I opened 2012 with a short request (looked like a tweet in its brevity). This would be another one of those.

I continue to pray for good health not just for my little sister and her baby but for myself, mom, dad, grandmom, brother in law, boyfriend, friends and family/friends of friends of friends. To save further blog space, all of us.
I wish we all continue to guard our health like we do our wealth. Like the stock market, there is little we can do to control our health but I guess key is that we don't take too much risks and also plan for the same. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow because I've been feeling old recently. Hope visiting the doctors tomorrow will help me bounce back.

2012

Lord God I have a prayer.
I pray for good health for my family.
I don't need all the wealth in the world. I need good health for my loved ones.
Help us take care of ourselves so we can be with each other longer.

This is my prayer for 2012.

The Return of the Comeback

I'm staring at a blinking Christmas tree with a lazy bum, wandering mind, and a laptop on my lap. As always is the case, I end up watching survivor philippines and when that was done, started surfing the net for some showbiz news. It's been quiet in the showbiz world lately after the rhian-mo and kc-piolo brouhaha so there was not much to read. Boring. All of a sudden, I remember.
I have a blog!
A blog I've forgotten for nearly 2 months. I went back and started to read. Oh the goodness of that October writefest challenge! I certainly captured key aspects of my mind that month.
November and most of December has passed. What happened?
Lots.
My mind is already half sleepy and I think my bladder is about to burst so let me lay it out in small bursts as I remember:

• After my HK trip, I spent a few days at work to clean up from where I left off, spent a holiday in SG doing I can't remember what then flew back to Manila
• My Manila trip was hectic as usual. My sole purpose to go back was to finally get to see my condo, have it turned over, and get it ready to be furnished. I spent a lot of days just walking around malls looking for inspiration, speaking to potential suppliers and a designer, etc. Given time constraints, I decided to go for an interior designer my friend has recommended. I cut up pictures of things I liked to find in the house and then pasted it in a cartolina then handed it over to the designer. After this, lots of November and December was spent going back and forth via mail on what colors to choose, what designs to approve, what windows to install, etc. I would have loved to do this in a slower pace but the timing was just not there. At this stage, I have no regrets. The designers were pretty cool and so patient with someone like me. More postings about this topic later...I'll move on.
• Attended my sister's fab party on a boat! I have in turn handed her, her first LV! Yipeee!
• Started to do a bit of Christmas shopping...I think I should have started earlier but it's not too bad, I've got just a handful of gifts left to buy
• Helped organize the team's Bring Your Kids to Work Day, Christmas picture frame tree. Attended the Kitchen Challenge, Pinoy Christmas party, the big Dutch boss' memorable farewell party, etc. More pics on this later too!
• Organized a cosy bridal shower for my dear friend Tegs in Flutes at the Fort. I'm glad the girls had lots of fun. Yes, there will be pics later too!
• Got a great rating at work, my vp promotion, and a regional leadership award. I'm super blessed!
• I've got to learn about one great news and two not so great news about someone close to me. Not gonna share but all's nearly well...
• Mel and I have brought up our first Christmas tree! Woot! Woot! Pics again!
• Returned back to running. Slow start but ok I guess - Solomon trail run and Standard Chartered - both 10ks
• And oh yeah. This was supposed to be a blog about my studies in HK, right? I sent my first personal report of which I think I overdid. I hope I dont get penalized for writing down almost 6000 words instead of the required 3000. I am weird! There are two more papers due of which I have dutifully not started preps on. I think I'd be busy with this the next coming days after Christmas...and before and during my next HK trip this Jan.

Certain things come to mind...

Despite the blessings...I missed out on Simbang Gabi this year. I was way too busy with too much office related activities that it just did not fall into place. I hope I get to make this up somehow.

Health seems to be an issue in general. Not just with me but with people I know. Health's wealth, they say. I think health is that core ingredient we all need to live our lives fully. I hope there's less flu for all and a miracle for some.

What more to say? I miss my old blog where years and years of writing was flushed down the toilet after friendster evolved into a gaming website. Really now? Ugh! 

Moving on...I'll still do my annual year ender review to give myself a chance to reflect on the year that has been. I'll do that later when my bladder is less full and I'm more awake.

That's it for now. Not a bad catch up, yeah?

Day 30: Studying on a Weekend

Day 29: First Day of Class

Finally, the moment I've been waiting for! First Day of Class!!!

Early morning rise for the 8am call time! Look at that cute red bus!

The train station is a few steps away from the hotel

The heated pool. Must try next time!

Is that a mini waterfall I see?

Call time was at 8am and we finally got to meet the rest of our CS Classmates. We were shuttled into a mini bus with our project coordinator and two other professors. On the way, we got oriented some more and got to know more about what to expect in the next coming days.

The view from ICC Kowloon at our HK Office! So nice! 

Our binder for the first 4 day of classes. This got thicker and thicker later on

Office entry

My King Sized bed for the next 3 days! Not Bad!